Sunday, November 22, 2009

Pink or Blue? : Part 2

Ahaaa!! Ay Caramba!!

Me:So ..err..can you pack this teddy in a Cardboard box?.i have to gift it to someone you see..

Shopkeeper:Oh no! I'm sorry ,but i don't think we have one.Usually these teddy bears don't come in such boxes.

Bulls-eye! tactic i can easily make a drama and get the heck out of that place!So i continued with more tactics.

Me:Ohh(in an innocent tone) Its alright if u have any empty box or something,i can manage with some decoration paper.

Meanwhile i just noticed that the teddy bear's nose had fallen down,And the shop keeper slyly stuck it back on it as if nothing had happened!

Shopkeeper:(seemed uneasy now) Wait i will check if there's any empty box lying in the store or somewhere.And err...I will reduce another 5 dhs just for you,Just wait,I will be back!

He left the premises and i felt this was the perfect time to make my grand escape!But his assistant shop- boy was still there.So i had to do something wicked this time!i quickly grabbed my mobile and dialed *121#(this is what we use to check the Balance credit of our mobile phones in UAE) and faked a call right in front of the shop-boy!

Me:"Oh is it? I am coming then!"!!!!!!

I stepped outside the shop door talking gibberish along the way.
Me: "Ya then you have to press F1,right click,Open,Double-click,Crop,Resize and Exit!!!"

I just waved at the shop boy and ran away from that place as fast as i could!I didn't even look behind and quickly dialed 'Congo' on the phone as i ran.

Me:Dude where the hell are you?

Congo:Ya I'm at the Fish r/a signal.Will reach there in about 5 minutes!

Me:Okay i will be there at the service road!Please hurry up dude!

As i turned around i could see the shop boy running and waving at me.I just ignored him and ran across the dark alley till he was out of sight!

There i could see Congo coming in his SUV.But i was too late and was spotted by the shop boy from across the road.All of a sudden,he grabbed his 'Malapuram kathi' and hurled it towards me!.I had to do that unique MatrixI slow mo "Dodge the bullet/kathi before it ruins your future planning" acrobatics to escape his 'kathi'.Then i jumped heroically through the open window of Congo's vehicle and made a narrow escape and ya i also scared the crap out of congo!That leap deserved an Olympic gold medal!I nearly got myself killed,u know! phew!

[ahem..cough...ahem...cough...ahemm...Okay i must admit i just made up that last paragraph over there..i just wanted to create an atmosphere of tension & violence over here. i guess its a side effect of watching too many Quentin tarantino movies ]

Anyway,what really happened was, I just opened the car door and then closed it like a normal person,wore my seat belt and rode along safely with Congo.There was no one following me.

Finally we were headed to our usual destination,ie Qusais near 'Ghafoorkas Thattukada'
Along the way Congo asked me

Congo: So what are you planning to buy?

Me: A teddy bear :) !

Congo: hahahaha

(I could easily sense that was his trademark "You are a pathetic loser and i am a rich fat-ass" laugh)

Me:What's so funny?

(I cursed him in my mind "Next time when you go to Congo,i hope you get raped by those Killer gorillas")

Congo:Do you know the baby is only 6 0r 8 months old?

Me:Ya i know.I felt the baby would love a teddy bear rather than the expensive gifts which the kid wouldn't even know what it is? I bet the baby will love a teddy bear.Who knows it might even become her best friend!

Congo: Anyway i getting gold for the kid.

Me:Oh don't tell me! I thought we were going to plan about this till we meet everyone.

Congo:Hey i have already decided this days ago.So don't blame me!

Me:Okay whatever!

Finally when we reached Qusais.'Jayzee','Batman' and 'Dhalsim' was waiting there for us near the "Thattukada".After the meeting all the 4 guys unanimously came to a decision to buy gold!All of them felt its better to buy gold ,now that ,we all have finally become mature 'grown-ups'.They didn't even listen to my weird suggestion!Even 'Jayzee' decided gold would be better.Anyway majority wins so i decided to hop along with them to select the gold.But i made a condition to them that they had to take me to some baby-shop to buy the teddy bear for me once they finish buying the gold ornaments.They agreed and i went along!They spent around 500 dhs for each item!Man, the gold rates were skyrocketing during this time!Soon as they finished their purchases we came back to the car parking.I was getting ready to decide on where we should go next!Then this happened!

Congo:Guys i have to go home now,I'm feeling hungry.

Dhalsim:Okay guys,see you tomorrow!

Batman:I have to get up early tomorrow morning!I have to go to the Indian embassy!

I couldn't believe these guys ,my good friends,were saying this to me.So i responded back.

Me:Guys i thought we were supposed to go the Baby-shop now.I have to get a teddy remember?

Jayzee:Ya is there any good shop nearby?

Dhalsim: No Lets go home now!

Me:Guys i only need 10 minutes.I thought it would be helpful since you guys are around,You might be able to help me right?You know my weird choices na? C'mon guys!

Dhalsim: Shut up Jayzee!Its just a teddy na,we will get it tomorrow!

Me:But I have work Tomorrow,I don't think i will have time to get one!C'mon i only need 10 minutes!The party is at 7.30 and i can only reach home by 6.30!C'mon guys!

Dhalsim: We can go tomorrow,i will come na.Trust me!

I somehow knew that if i trusted him on this the baby will never get that gift from me!
I couldn't believe he actually said that to me,i felt so horrible and angry at the same time.
I just said

"Okay leave it,Bye"

And we dispersed.

I didn't ride along with Congo that night,I went with batman.

Batman tried to console me promising to come along with me the next day,But somehow i couldn't hear anything that he said.I was going through all this weird emotions inside my freaking head,which was strange coz usually i am a cheerful person.

I somehow experienced the same thing the 'small' Kamal Haasan felt in Appu Raja,when he was made a witness to his crush's register marriage.I couldn't believe my own friends did this to me!Except for 'Jayzee',rest all just ditched me!Why did they have to drag me along when they knew i wasn't going to buy gold.I just couldn't understand,Where they ashamed of coming with me to buy a teddy??? I was so pissed off that i wanted to crush something!I was afraid The HULK would come off from me and smash a few cars.I mean this was a bad day for me.What all did i had to go through today? And what do i get in return? This????!!!!!



to be continued....

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Pink or Blue? Part-1

I was planning to put a end to that uncompleted SRK post today because the comments were getting too controversial.But something better came up and i HAD to write this NOW itself!Sorry SRK and Mommies,you will have to wait a bit longer!

As usual i was busy laying on my bed and milking my cows!

err...wait a sec..that above sentence
didnt sound quiet right.did it?

What i actually meant was i was milking my cows in a virtual farm game called 'Farmville' on Facebook! And FYI my Desktop computer is placed on my bed!So that when i wake up every day the first thing i get to see is Shruthi hasan's face!Now you know why i am a weirdo!

Anyway back to the story!
My friend 'Uncle bob' called me that day.He was among the guys in our gang who got married very prematurely!We all used to consider him as the big fat baby in our gang!And can u believe it,even he has a kid now!The naming of his kid was itself a big story,we can discuss about that in the "Close encounters of the weird kind" segment later.

Back to the phone conversation.
Bob: Gellooo Rakku mone..

Me: Helloo *with Super surround bass

Bob: Bass Kurakade mone!!
(Please reduce your Bass child)

Me: Okay what do you want?

Bob: This Thursday ,get ready and reach 'Eat and drink Restaurant' at 7 pm.We are having a party..

Me:Okay! cool!! party...woohoo!!!So what's the big occasion?

Bob: Its my child's 'Mamodisa'

Me: The what?

Bob:Mamodisa will be at the church at 2 and then the party at 7.Be there!You should come! Nee illandu enthu aagosham!
(What Celebration without you oh great rakesh ruler of the world)

Me: AWW thanx man...i will be there!Roger that!

After the end of conversation i thought "Aha..This party is a perfect opportunity
for me to hunt for some potential female prey..buhahahahaha....muhahahhaa..har har

So the day passed,i was again busy at work.Then i got another call from 'Jayzee jai' that day

JJ: Did 'Bob' call you?

Me: Ya right..I will be there man!

JJ: So what are you Planning to get for him?

Me: Huh?

JJ: I mean the baby.Aren't you going to Gift something for the baby?

Me: whaaaaaaaat?

JJ:Err..then what?

Me: Is it necessary? I mean the kid is only 6 months old!

JJ:Anyway..'Lothar','Batman' and 'Congo' are planning to Buy Gold..

Me:Oh i see.....wait a sec...GOLD??????

Me:Are you guys crazy? GOLD??? Why would you want to get a little baby GOLD??I mean the baby wouldn't even be knowing what its wearing! And besides its too bad! We dont want to inflict on the kid with that horrible habit called 'Gold fever' which is affecting the whole of India!And how can you be so certain that 'Uncle bob' wont sell the gold to buy new video games?? Just Think about it!

JJ:Anyway we haven't decided anything.We can meet later in person and discuss about this!

Me:Okay,You now na,i cant afford to buy gold n all.There's got to be other options right?

JJ:Anyway catch you later!

After that conversation with 'Jayzee' i realized i should get something for the baby!But what will i get?i have never bought anything for a 'real' baby before!
I took out my lean purse and looked inside and i found a Bus card,The train card and a Photoshoped photograph of myself!I digged deep into the inner pocket of the purse and found atlast 50 dirhams! Sigh!I just remembered i had spent all the previous months salary on the houserent n stuff!And then i realized i was totally broke!

Man bob!! Why do you have to conduct a party when Rakesh is broke!!???i screamed looking up to the sky!

I was totally confused.I could even borrow money from my friends,because i already owed them some!So i decided to call 'Mr Lothar' for some suggestions!

Me: edaaa...What do i get for the baby? I'm totally broke!

Lothar:Its alright man..Gift is not that important!Chill man!

Me:Btw what are you getting for the baby?

Lothar:hmm..Maybe a small Gold bracelet!


Now i was even more tensed.Damn it!Why is gold so important in this world???

Meanwhile I had 'Jayzee' on Callwaiting,So i disconnected and began talking to him.

JJ:So what did you decide?

Me:I have no idea.. sigh..and i am broke man!

JJ:Hey why don't you get a baby set or something.That will be Good.

Me:You think so?

JJ:Ya That's okay!Anyway we will be coming in the evening.we can decide then!

Me:Okay fine.I'm leaving now.Do call me when you guys come.Okay bye

After work i decided to check for some baby gifts from the Supermarkets near my place.
First i thought what would i get.I saw many baby clothes,tiny baby shoes and those bay sets with baby shampoo's n stuff!I don't know why,but i didn't feel like buying those,even though it was not that expensive and yet it was in my limited budget!Then i thought to myself,if i were a little baby,what would i love to have?


  • A Sledge Hammer?
  • A Punching bag?
  • A Gas mask?
  • A pair of Bruce-lee nunchuks?
Oh now i am getting carried away!Those were the things i wanted as a kid!But Uncle Bob's baby is baby girl right?Okay girls like dolls right? Naa its too common,and dolls freak me out!And it might be plastic,and i guess its not safe for kids to play with plastics!

Then suddenly a thought struck me!The dim bulb which used to be in its idle state on my head for eons began to glow in its full glory!

I should get a teddy bear!!

That would be perfect!Even i had a teddy!I mean i still have it!It is still wearing my small clothes! And even vimmmu had one!And the baby will love it!

So teddy bear it is!

Unfortunately there wasn't any teddy bears left in the supermarket.So i wandered around other nearby shops.I happened to notice a Gift shop with some teddy bears inside!The shopkeeper who was one of those Infamous 'Kasargod Malabaris' who are known for being the biggest fraudsters in South India!He caught my stare!I knew before entering the shop itself this would be a bad idea!
He was looking at me like a viscous wolf!
I noticed one cute medium sized doll which was pink in color and had 'girl' written on it.I thought it would be perfect!

The shopkeeper meanwhile knew it somehow i liked it.I knew he would increase the price sky-high that moment itself!Anyway i asked him the price,he said 55 dirhams!I knew this would only cost around 40 dirhams!

And then he added further

"This doll plays gooooood music when you press it on its hands/paws;wait i will show you"

Okay i was amused by his tactics and was curious to see what his extra 15 dirhams was worth!
He put some Chinese batteries and inserted into the opening inside the teddies ass and then he asked me to touch the paw!

I said "okay" and reached towards the paw..The loud music which came from the teddy belly literally blew me off the ground!

♫ I like to move it...move it..♫ i like to move it..move it ♫..i like tooooo...♫♫

If you thought the music wasn't bad enough it had those freaking glowing red L.E.D eyes!!That was like the Scariest teddy bear ever created!If this thing scared the hell out of me,imagine what horror it might cause to that poor baby! I cant believe what kind of crazy stuff ,these freaking Chinese guys are creating these days!It was literally the 'teddy bear from hell'!

The shopkeeper thought i was amused to see his freaking teddy and he packed the teddy in a plastic ready to give it to me.I was still in a state of shock that i wasn't able to react to anything for a few minutes!

The shopkeeper kept on saying "Since you liked this teddy so much i am ready to give you a special discount of 5 dirhams"

Everything was blank and i couldn't hear anything for a while.

At that moment i got a incoming call from 'Jayzee'.

JJ: Where are you?
Me:I am in Deira now
JJ:Listen 'Congo' will be coming to pick you up!
Me:OK thank god!
Meanwhile the cunning shopkeeper kept waiting looking at my face as i finished my call.I knew i had to get away from this cunning 'beep' before he forces me to buy the 'Evil Teddy' !!I had to think fast!And i prayed to the almighty bollwood god SRK to help me in delivering an oscar winning performance just to get past this weird situation!

What will i do??? Think Rakesh! think!What would Bart-gyver do in such a situation?


Ahaaaaaaa!! Ay! caramba!

To be continued......

Monday, November 2, 2009

Shah Rukh Khan! My Inspiration!